The Best Producer



 As Les Grossman, Tom Cruise kicked it off the heezy and bounced.



 When most of us men are of a younger age, we have certainly dreamed at one point or another of being a guy who is 1) short, 2) bald, and 3) fat. This trio of features is only unique and all-powerful in its entirety. It is therefore no surprise that when out of our teens, we realize such a dream will never come true for most of us. 



Whether this failure is the product of having exceeded the median height for men before the age of 18, or perhaps simply having a full head of hair no matter how many times we got the bright idea of shaving our scalps, we only fail. While the fat part (see no. 3) admittedly remains the easiest feat to accomplish, achieving one out of three is still a miserable failure.

One might think we would have been devastated by the loss of this dream, destined to live on, knowing we will never be short, bald, fat men. But fear not, good people, for we have found ample reason to rejoice! 

“And why is this?” you ask. Because if we had attained our dream, we would still not be successful. Truth be told, we would have felt pathetic when compared to the one and only Tom Cruise. 

As Les Grossman, not only is Cruise bald on top, but he is hairier than an extra from a Planet of the Apes movie everywhere else. Also consistent with his vertically challenged form, he is the pinnacle of assholes everywhere (he is, after all, a top Hollywood producer).

But boy, can he move! If John Travolta suddenly shaved his head, these two could have a good old-fashioned dance off. And it would be close…until Cruise won. From the Rocky Balboa beak and the P-Diddy Sean Puffy Combs rims he wears over it, Tom Cruise is one short, bald, fat mamma jamma.



A God among men.

In Tropic Thunder, Grossman is one viciously nasty change of pace for the best actor in the world. Yet Cruise gets his way with everything from skinny warlords to those ever tricky sodas in a can. At least in the real world, Cruise had enough good sense to only portray a producer in this film, rather than actually producing it. But his role was pivotal enough to set any would-be Mall Santa straight with one single message: Ditch the attitude and lose some weight. In fact, we would even wager that Mr. Clean himself is right now shopping for a toupee.

Everything combines to prove that Tom Cruise is the best bald, fat, short guy ever. But for clarification purposes, we’ll just refer to him as…the best producer. Ever.

– Father Mapother