The Best Cripple

If flipping channels, younger generations might mistake

Born on the Fourth of July for a My Name Is Earl rerun.

Photo courtesy of pixes.eu

One word: talent. Turning an Oscar-nominated performance, even with a mustache? Pure, unadulterated talent.

Based on a true story, Tom Cruise portrays Ron Kovic, a young man who sacrifices his star athleticism after being moved by a rousing JFK speech. With his nationalism intact, Kovic heads to ‘Nam, where he loses the use of his legs while on foot patrol. He is then dropped backed into society.



Taking a stab at a Hemingway-like quandary of postwar impotence, it’s pretty tragic watching as Kovic is unable to get it up for the prostitute in the Mexican brothel. The truth must be told, regardless of how horrific: no, Kovic can no longer sleep with hookers properly. War has ruined this man.

Keep in mind, Kovic actually was Born on the Fourth of July, as the title suggests. This is the day we celebrate our independence. This is the day representing America’s freedom and greatness.

While Hollywood finally did something right by nominating Tom Cruise for Best Actor in a Leading Role, it was highly unfortunate that in the same year, another guy portraying a true-to-life handicapper came along and took home the little golden statue.

Of course, the fact the Oscar went to the Irish cobbler Daniel Day-Lewis makes a lot of sense, being that America loves foreigners more than its own (which is kind of the point of Born on the Fourth of July). Christy Brown and his damn cerebral palsy left foot weren’t even born on St. Patrick’s Day, for crying out loud!

Then again, getting screwed over is kind of in the spirit of Ron Kovic, isn’t it? Despite everything, it’s proven that even from a wheelchair, a man can still wave the American flag.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be…the best cripple.

The Best Vampire



Lestat could kick the bloody piss out of Edward, although that's not saying much.
Photo courtesy of blog.filmjabber.com



There are vampires, and then there's Tom Cruise. In this dire age of girly teeny-boppers babbling about hogwash such as the Volturi coven and the Quileute wolf pack (werewolves with mysteriously shaven chests), the younger generation fails to recall that vampires were not always portrayed as shuckin' and jivin' drama mamas who got lost on their way home from the Mickey Mouse Club.

Truthfully, the purpose of this tribute on the best vampire of all time is not to simply knock around a rival flash-in-the-pan soap opera, but rather to rightfully glorify Lestat from Interview with the Vampire for his fiercely seductive screen presence.

Although there first must be one more comment made: When did the podunk logging capital of Forks, Washington become more appealingly gothic than the gas-lit streets of the Cajun French New Orleans?

Lestat de Lioncourt is the anti-hero of all anti-heroes, displaying emotion as elusive as the night itself. Really, managing to pull off a remarkably smartass persona despite the gallons of blood he faces on a daily basis? Only Lestat can do this realistically, unlike the thousands of campy P's of S before and after (forget being finished with the dishing of Twilight, we're still on to you and your cash cow, con artist ways, Stephenie Meyer!). Aren't Lestat's flowing golden locks sexier than a bad James Dean impression? We're not sure if you've heard, Stephenie Meyer, but this vampire does have a cause!

When Lestat pops out the reporter's cassette and the radio kicks in with Guns N' Roses' cover of "Sympathy for the Devil," the car drives off into the narrow slashes of dawn.

We would consider damnation too, just to be so cool.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be...the best vampire. 

The Best Pilot



The eyes of Tom Cruise can move mountains.
Photo courtesy of imdb.com



Aside from improving international relations by flying inverted, Tom Cruise is the best pilot for his singing ability, taking a song that was quite happy in its near extinction and launching it into every drunk man’s vocabulary.

He sang so well, in fact, that he was able to make sweet love to Kelly McGillis before she became a lesbian, likely because no other man would ever please her the same way Tom Cruise did (incidentally, this gives a whole new meaning to Cruise singing, "there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips"). 

Yet being a maverick (a maverick named “Maverick,” believe it or not) doesn’t stop there. 

No, this man has to take a line and deliver it so very well, that it will be molded and reused for decades to come. Who would have ever thought, “talk to me Goose” could have evolved into “I’ll never let go…”

The closure one gets from watching Maverick launch his closest friend’s dog tags into the deep could only be matched by the tossing of an inestimably valued diamond (admittedly, the old lady from Titanic still sucks in comparison).

Our Maverick sees a shot and he takes it. In the cockpit, our Maverick flies by the seat of his partner’s flight suit, referring to himself as dangerous, and more than once, a “Ghost Rider.”

“Ghost Rider” may be in reference to his ever-absent father who just so happened to fly with Viper, the top instructor of Top Gun.  Flying is something with which our Maverick was inherently born. One could never do better than to adhere to his wisdom in the air, as well as in life: “you don’t have time to think…if you think, you’re dead.” 

Tom Cruise flew into our hearts, and flew into the catacombs of celluloid. This is why he will always indisputably be…the best pilot. Ever.

– Father Mapother

The Best Spy

Mission: Impossible was given its U.S. release in 1996 about three weeks after Twister, another massive hit. Being that Tom Cruise understandably had limited desire to be the best meteorologist (or the best guy-who-watches-a-floating-cow-moo, depending on how you look at it), Cruise instead chose the role of Ethan Hunt, which would spearhead the ultimate and most rockin’ spy franchise of multiple generations.

If Cruise’s character Ethan Hunt were to make a cameo in one of those pussy Bourne movies, the title of that particular installment would obviously have to be The Bourne Ass-Whoopin’ since Hunt would mop the floor with Matt Damon’s pansy little Jason character.



The tension of this scene alone makes Jaws seem like Waterworld.
Photo courtesy of cinephilemagazine.com



Back to Mission: Impossible, the original film – surely you saw this movie in the theater, likely more than once. If by chance you were cooped up in the house with the kids and eventually made it out for a date night once the sitter was finally available on a Friday or Saturday evening, you might have accidentally gone to see Twister by mistake (the word “mistake” is used, because if it was a “decision” to instead see Twister, you must now be either a) dead or b) locked up in a mad house, and therefore not reading this). Twister starred Bill Paxton, whom you should know is only the best Mormon (as seen on the TV show Big Love) as a result of the fact Tom Cruise would never lower himself to the level of HBO television for a piddly 1.7 million viewers on a Sunday night.

Now in regards to the actual movie, Mission: Impossible (1996), here are five reasons Tom Cruise was the best spy:

1.)    He is the only spy to survive the impossible opening mission.

2.)    He doesn’t wear a toupée (ahem, Sean Connery).

3.)    He says, “You haven’t seen me very upset” before the aquarium shatters and the techno kicks in.

4.)    Phelps’ wife lusted after him and she was way hot, not like the she-male-faced Franka Potente without the neo-punk Run Lola Run hair (woof woof!).

5.)    The helicopter explosion (“Red light, green light,” bitch!).

This is why Tom Cruise will always be…the best spy.

The Best Pool Player

As hotshot pool shark Vincent Lauria, Tom Cruise is taken under the wing of former hustler “Fast” Eddie Felson, played once again by Paul Newman in this stand-alone sequel set twenty-five years after the original The Hustler.

There can be much written about this film, The Color of Money (which is a pretty catchy pun for a title), but at the end of the day, the only majorly important detail is the fact that Vince ultimately hustles “Fast” Eddie Felson.



If Paul Newman is "Fast" Eddie Felson, then Tom Cruise is "Badass" Vincent Lauria
Photo courtesy of tomcruise.com

Let me repeat that for you one more time: Tom Cruise, a then up-and-coming film star, beats Paul Newman, a screen tycoon reprising his legendary role. Paul Newman was The Hustler! Tom Cruise beats “Fast” Eddie Felson! You see, Vince not only just beats Eddie, he outsmarts him, losing deliberately in order to make lots of money. Are we truly grasping this? Tom Cruise hustles the hustler!

Yet once again, the Oscar goes to the other guy.

Although none of the Academy’s mistakes matter much now, considering how marvelous an addition we are left with in the canon of cinema history: audiences still get to watch Tom Cruise school “Fast” Eddie Felson all over the green.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be…the best pool player.

The Best Lawyer



Simply put, The Firm revolutionized the film genre of “thrillers” as we know them, smoothly transitioning from the “blow shit up” model to the more refined “what the hell is going on here?” premise. The lines quickly blur, causing McDeere to face relentlessly difficult decisions regarding what is legal and what is moral.



As shown, hitting the gym instead of the cigar club can come in handy when you're an attorney.
Photo courtesy of movies.uk.msn.com



Despite graduating fifth in his class from Harvard Law, Tom Cruise’s Mitch McDeere is still the best young lawyer out there (graduating fifth places him in the prestigious top five, while graduating first would have made him much too bookish and significantly less human as far as relatable characters go).

When McDeere is soon cornered by both the FBI and his corrupt law firm, we only see the seemingly inevitable lose-lose situations which could certainly result in death. However, through a realistic and non-watered-down depiction of the legal world, we are shown that McDeere is much smarter than the audience’s comprehension rate (you practically have to pass the bar exam just to understand the ending). Of course, this is actually one of the storyline’s greatest strengths. We clearly know that McDeere was able to beat the system which had him backed up against the wall, going on to become the first attorney who escapes the firm alive.

As the first John Grisham adaptation to hit the big screen, multiple studios quickly followed suit and sought to imitate Tom Cruise’s fantastic turn in this wildly successful legal thriller. While silly Broadway musicals are currently being adapted from such topics as The Wedding Singer to Spider-Man, it’s a wonder composers haven’t thought to turn The Firm into a groundbreaking new opera – then again, without Tom Cruise in the role of Mitch McDeere, what would be the point? The climax of Cruise’s eventual triumph hits us every time like the punch of Carmina Burana’s rousing coda.    

This is why Tom Cruise will always be…the best lawyer.

The Best NASCAR Driver

Tom Cruise gazes into the abyss...
Photo courtesy of mattfind.com

“I’m more of afraid of bein’ nothin’ than I am of being hurt,” Cole Trickle tells his love interest Dr. Claire Lewicki.

In his second collaboration with director Tony Scott, Tom Cruise follows up his Oscar nod with another groundbreaking action flick, one that never happens to shy away from character development either. Simply put, Days of Thunder is to NASCAR what Ben-Hur was to creaky-old, boring-ass chariots – that is to say, this endlessly thrilling film rocks the house.   

As shown throughout the movie, there’s both a good and bad way to display belief in oneself. When Trickle first rides up on his motorcycle, completely out of nowhere mind you, he takes to the track for the very first time as a total natural. Simply put, we as the audience immediately root for him. Trickle exhibits himself as being more of a cool and confident character than he does a cocky one. At the same time, however, when replacement driver Russ Wheeler comes along, played by Cary Elwes, we are turned off by his deliberately cocky nature, sensing a no-good dirty villain, which of course turns out to be the case.

In addition to being both cool and confident, Trickle’s got a temper to boot – setting up some top-notch action scenes that take place off the track as well, including a wheelchair race through the hospital (clearly Trickle has the advantage in this scene, being that Cruise’s previous film was Born on the Fourth of July).

Through the development of Trickle’s relationship with his joking but equally haunted mentor Harry (Robert Duvall), we eventually learn Trickle carries his own fair share of fears, which he aims to conquer in the grandest of fashions.

“Harry, this guy’s goin’ down!” Trickle yells into his headset, speaking of the no-good dirty villain Wheeler.

In the final lap, Trickle then outsmarts Wheeler by maneuvering Mellow Yellow down low, passing the Hardee’s vehicle on the inside to secure 1st place. After witnessing Trickle win Daytona in a squeaker like this, we rejoice in his victory as though it were our own.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be…the best NASCAR driver.

The Best Brother



Photo courtesy of tomcruise.com

In Rain Man, Tom Cruise lays the groundwork for how to achieve every great actor's primary goal: emotional depth.

After originally seeking out his autistic brother as a mere ploy to get his hands on a huge inheritance, Cruise's Charlie Babbitt then proceeds to put his newfound brother Raymond's hidden talents to the test, famously using him to win big-time bucks in Las Vegas casinos. Of course, Charlie's greed fails to hold up as the inevitable bond between he and Raymond begins to form.

Viewed from one perspective, it's a shame that this winner of Best Picture let Dustin Hoffman steal all the glory from the Academy. Admittedly, it is indeed tough to play an autistic man. However, it surely must be even tougher to play a normal man reacting to another normal man who is playing an autistic man. Therefore without Tom Cruise, the movie would have no doubt faded into the territory of forgettable.

Ultimately, Charlie undergoes a gradual transformation. Despite how frustrated he often understandably becomes with his brother's naturally autistic tendencies, he forgets about the millions at hand and realizes he truly cares about his only flesh and blood. When the two part in the final scene, we see that Cruise's character is left a changed man.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be...the best brother.



The Best Sports Agent



Photo courtesy of tomcruise.com

As a money-driven, numbers-crunching sports agent with an initially plastic smile, Tom Cruise's Jerry Maguire was definitely the best. The problem he encounters early on in his career is that he's actually too good, meaning he happens to be the only agent in the business who develops a conscience.

After being fired from his cushy job with a substantial income, Jerry at least keeps his moral dignity by knowing he sacrificed lucrative percentages for the sake of personal relationships. Once he falls in love with Dorothy (played by Renee Zelweger), Jerry is even determined to raise her young son as his own. Then again, in the grand scheme of cinema history, "the human head weighs eight pounds" was arguably an even better line than "show me the money."

Still, the fact remains that Jerry Maguire lives in an imperfect world where, despite the best of intentions, nobody is easy to please - although it certainly helps when he hugs his only client in front of the entire sports world. There is no more admirable form of advertisement for a business than a genuine public display of affection toward a client.

After racing back home, purposefully oblivious to having saved his agency and the future of ethics in sports, Jerry must show his new family that he does indeed love them. Upon his arrival, when Dorothy tells him to "Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at hello," these words could not possibly make any more sense. The mere presence of Tom Cruise alone beckons the deepest forgiveness.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be...the best sports agent.