The Best Spy

Mission: Impossible was given its U.S. release in 1996 about three weeks after Twister, another massive hit. Being that Tom Cruise understandably had limited desire to be the best meteorologist (or the best guy-who-watches-a-floating-cow-moo, depending on how you look at it), Cruise instead chose the role of Ethan Hunt, which would spearhead the ultimate and most rockin’ spy franchise of multiple generations.

If Cruise’s character Ethan Hunt were to make a cameo in one of those pussy Bourne movies, the title of that particular installment would obviously have to be The Bourne Ass-Whoopin’ since Hunt would mop the floor with Matt Damon’s pansy little Jason character.



The tension of this scene alone makes Jaws seem like Waterworld.
Photo courtesy of cinephilemagazine.com



Back to Mission: Impossible, the original film – surely you saw this movie in the theater, likely more than once. If by chance you were cooped up in the house with the kids and eventually made it out for a date night once the sitter was finally available on a Friday or Saturday evening, you might have accidentally gone to see Twister by mistake (the word “mistake” is used, because if it was a “decision” to instead see Twister, you must now be either a) dead or b) locked up in a mad house, and therefore not reading this). Twister starred Bill Paxton, whom you should know is only the best Mormon (as seen on the TV show Big Love) as a result of the fact Tom Cruise would never lower himself to the level of HBO television for a piddly 1.7 million viewers on a Sunday night.

Now in regards to the actual movie, Mission: Impossible (1996), here are five reasons Tom Cruise was the best spy:

1.)    He is the only spy to survive the impossible opening mission.

2.)    He doesn’t wear a toupée (ahem, Sean Connery).

3.)    He says, “You haven’t seen me very upset” before the aquarium shatters and the techno kicks in.

4.)    Phelps’ wife lusted after him and she was way hot, not like the she-male-faced Franka Potente without the neo-punk Run Lola Run hair (woof woof!).

5.)    The helicopter explosion (“Red light, green light,” bitch!).

This is why Tom Cruise will always be…the best spy.