The Best Adulterer



The white man stands alone.
Photo courtesy of tomcruise.com



There comes a point in every successful doctor’s life when his family is home for the evening; his daughter is tucked into bed for the night and his classy wife decides to get stoned and tell a story about another man, making him so jealous that he must  embark on a psychosexual odyssey through the seedy underbelly of humanity.

By exploring the dark crevices of a society dwelling amongst the earth, Dr. William Harford, also known as Bill, is in actuality undertaking a deep search through the inner chambers of his own perseity. One gets the strong sense that Bill is a profound intellectual resisting the daftly insipid plotlines of late night skinemax.

At the end of Bill’s journey, he never does quite cheat, despite coming dangerously close. Surely it’s fitting that only a metaphysical drifter of Tom Cruise’s caliber would ever possess such willpower, not to mention the unparalleled grace with which he displays his temperance. Then again, does Providence play a pivotal role as well?

Normally such a series of occurrences would equal a paradox of wildly oxymoronic proportions. Yet within the canon of Tom Cruise’s unforgettably groundbreaking portrayals, Bill ascends the level of being just another doctor with a stoned wife. Bill proves that a man can in fact be an adulterer without actually having committed adultery.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be…the best adulterer.

The Best Father

The budget of $132 million merely serves as an excuse to show one man's love for his family.
Photo courtesy of tomcruise.com

What a wildly misunderstood film we have on our hands here. After presumably turning down several prior roles for big-budgeted alien invasion popcorn flicks, Tom Cruise finally decided it was time to take on this classic science-fiction genre. Who better to direct than Steven Spielberg? Hell, why not even make the story based on a novella by H.G. Wells!

Majority of shallow moviegoers were no doubt expecting Cruise to once again play a hotshot pilot, this time in the vein of Independence Day heroes Will Smith and Randy Quaid. Instead, Cruise chose to be a guy named "Ray." As far as character goes, Cruise hit the nail on the head so perfectly that he started a forest fire.

Regardless of what religion one is, Ray certainly demonstrates the universally fundamental belief that no one can save the world without first saving his own family. As a title, War of the Worlds carries a much deeper meaning. What is one's own "world" and how does a father win the “war”?

Cruise juggles a vicious, absent ex-wife, a rebellious teenage son, and a deeply adorable daughter who he certainly has a hand (more of an arm, actually) in carrying around. Keep in mind, this was Dakota Fanning while she was still cute (FYI – lesbo action with K-Stewart in The Runaways seemed to be mostly a pathetic Oscar attempt).

The cheesier elements of the 50’s-era, aliens-are-attacking production-style are nowhere to be seen here. This is purely a raw, gritty portrait of the marriage between hardship and love. In our post 9/11 America, Cruise delivers one man’s shot at redeeming not only himself, but also the lives of his family. As soon as he provides, he is then provided for in return.

Plus, he wears a pretty badass jacket.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be…the best father.

The Best Cripple

If flipping channels, younger generations might mistake

Born on the Fourth of July for a My Name Is Earl rerun.

Photo courtesy of pixes.eu

One word: talent. Turning an Oscar-nominated performance, even with a mustache? Pure, unadulterated talent.

Based on a true story, Tom Cruise portrays Ron Kovic, a young man who sacrifices his star athleticism after being moved by a rousing JFK speech. With his nationalism intact, Kovic heads to ‘Nam, where he loses the use of his legs while on foot patrol. He is then dropped backed into society.



Taking a stab at a Hemingway-like quandary of postwar impotence, it’s pretty tragic watching as Kovic is unable to get it up for the prostitute in the Mexican brothel. The truth must be told, regardless of how horrific: no, Kovic can no longer sleep with hookers properly. War has ruined this man.

Keep in mind, Kovic actually was Born on the Fourth of July, as the title suggests. This is the day we celebrate our independence. This is the day representing America’s freedom and greatness.

While Hollywood finally did something right by nominating Tom Cruise for Best Actor in a Leading Role, it was highly unfortunate that in the same year, another guy portraying a true-to-life handicapper came along and took home the little golden statue.

Of course, the fact the Oscar went to the Irish cobbler Daniel Day-Lewis makes a lot of sense, being that America loves foreigners more than its own (which is kind of the point of Born on the Fourth of July). Christy Brown and his damn cerebral palsy left foot weren’t even born on St. Patrick’s Day, for crying out loud!

Then again, getting screwed over is kind of in the spirit of Ron Kovic, isn’t it? Despite everything, it’s proven that even from a wheelchair, a man can still wave the American flag.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be…the best cripple.

The Best Vampire



Lestat could kick the bloody piss out of Edward, although that's not saying much.
Photo courtesy of blog.filmjabber.com



There are vampires, and then there's Tom Cruise. In this dire age of girly teeny-boppers babbling about hogwash such as the Volturi coven and the Quileute wolf pack (werewolves with mysteriously shaven chests), the younger generation fails to recall that vampires were not always portrayed as shuckin' and jivin' drama mamas who got lost on their way home from the Mickey Mouse Club.

Truthfully, the purpose of this tribute on the best vampire of all time is not to simply knock around a rival flash-in-the-pan soap opera, but rather to rightfully glorify Lestat from Interview with the Vampire for his fiercely seductive screen presence.

Although there first must be one more comment made: When did the podunk logging capital of Forks, Washington become more appealingly gothic than the gas-lit streets of the Cajun French New Orleans?

Lestat de Lioncourt is the anti-hero of all anti-heroes, displaying emotion as elusive as the night itself. Really, managing to pull off a remarkably smartass persona despite the gallons of blood he faces on a daily basis? Only Lestat can do this realistically, unlike the thousands of campy P's of S before and after (forget being finished with the dishing of Twilight, we're still on to you and your cash cow, con artist ways, Stephenie Meyer!). Aren't Lestat's flowing golden locks sexier than a bad James Dean impression? We're not sure if you've heard, Stephenie Meyer, but this vampire does have a cause!

When Lestat pops out the reporter's cassette and the radio kicks in with Guns N' Roses' cover of "Sympathy for the Devil," the car drives off into the narrow slashes of dawn.

We would consider damnation too, just to be so cool.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be...the best vampire. 

The Best Pilot



The eyes of Tom Cruise can move mountains.
Photo courtesy of imdb.com



Aside from improving international relations by flying inverted, Tom Cruise is the best pilot for his singing ability, taking a song that was quite happy in its near extinction and launching it into every drunk man’s vocabulary.

He sang so well, in fact, that he was able to make sweet love to Kelly McGillis before she became a lesbian, likely because no other man would ever please her the same way Tom Cruise did (incidentally, this gives a whole new meaning to Cruise singing, "there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips"). 

Yet being a maverick (a maverick named “Maverick,” believe it or not) doesn’t stop there. 

No, this man has to take a line and deliver it so very well, that it will be molded and reused for decades to come. Who would have ever thought, “talk to me Goose” could have evolved into “I’ll never let go…”

The closure one gets from watching Maverick launch his closest friend’s dog tags into the deep could only be matched by the tossing of an inestimably valued diamond (admittedly, the old lady from Titanic still sucks in comparison).

Our Maverick sees a shot and he takes it. In the cockpit, our Maverick flies by the seat of his partner’s flight suit, referring to himself as dangerous, and more than once, a “Ghost Rider.”

“Ghost Rider” may be in reference to his ever-absent father who just so happened to fly with Viper, the top instructor of Top Gun.  Flying is something with which our Maverick was inherently born. One could never do better than to adhere to his wisdom in the air, as well as in life: “you don’t have time to think…if you think, you’re dead.” 

Tom Cruise flew into our hearts, and flew into the catacombs of celluloid. This is why he will always indisputably be…the best pilot. Ever.

– Father Mapother

The Best Spy

Mission: Impossible was given its U.S. release in 1996 about three weeks after Twister, another massive hit. Being that Tom Cruise understandably had limited desire to be the best meteorologist (or the best guy-who-watches-a-floating-cow-moo, depending on how you look at it), Cruise instead chose the role of Ethan Hunt, which would spearhead the ultimate and most rockin’ spy franchise of multiple generations.

If Cruise’s character Ethan Hunt were to make a cameo in one of those pussy Bourne movies, the title of that particular installment would obviously have to be The Bourne Ass-Whoopin’ since Hunt would mop the floor with Matt Damon’s pansy little Jason character.



The tension of this scene alone makes Jaws seem like Waterworld.
Photo courtesy of cinephilemagazine.com



Back to Mission: Impossible, the original film – surely you saw this movie in the theater, likely more than once. If by chance you were cooped up in the house with the kids and eventually made it out for a date night once the sitter was finally available on a Friday or Saturday evening, you might have accidentally gone to see Twister by mistake (the word “mistake” is used, because if it was a “decision” to instead see Twister, you must now be either a) dead or b) locked up in a mad house, and therefore not reading this). Twister starred Bill Paxton, whom you should know is only the best Mormon (as seen on the TV show Big Love) as a result of the fact Tom Cruise would never lower himself to the level of HBO television for a piddly 1.7 million viewers on a Sunday night.

Now in regards to the actual movie, Mission: Impossible (1996), here are five reasons Tom Cruise was the best spy:

1.)    He is the only spy to survive the impossible opening mission.

2.)    He doesn’t wear a toupée (ahem, Sean Connery).

3.)    He says, “You haven’t seen me very upset” before the aquarium shatters and the techno kicks in.

4.)    Phelps’ wife lusted after him and she was way hot, not like the she-male-faced Franka Potente without the neo-punk Run Lola Run hair (woof woof!).

5.)    The helicopter explosion (“Red light, green light,” bitch!).

This is why Tom Cruise will always be…the best spy.

The Best Pool Player

As hotshot pool shark Vincent Lauria, Tom Cruise is taken under the wing of former hustler “Fast” Eddie Felson, played once again by Paul Newman in this stand-alone sequel set twenty-five years after the original The Hustler.

There can be much written about this film, The Color of Money (which is a pretty catchy pun for a title), but at the end of the day, the only majorly important detail is the fact that Vince ultimately hustles “Fast” Eddie Felson.



If Paul Newman is "Fast" Eddie Felson, then Tom Cruise is "Badass" Vincent Lauria
Photo courtesy of tomcruise.com

Let me repeat that for you one more time: Tom Cruise, a then up-and-coming film star, beats Paul Newman, a screen tycoon reprising his legendary role. Paul Newman was The Hustler! Tom Cruise beats “Fast” Eddie Felson! You see, Vince not only just beats Eddie, he outsmarts him, losing deliberately in order to make lots of money. Are we truly grasping this? Tom Cruise hustles the hustler!

Yet once again, the Oscar goes to the other guy.

Although none of the Academy’s mistakes matter much now, considering how marvelous an addition we are left with in the canon of cinema history: audiences still get to watch Tom Cruise school “Fast” Eddie Felson all over the green.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be…the best pool player.