The Best Nazi



Colonel von Stauffenberg gives Snake Plissken a run for his money.
Photo courtesy of imdb.

As if Tom Cruise hasn’t pulled off the impossible* on enough occasions, he yet again remarkably becomes a character we never knew could actually exist: a good Nazi. Sure, Edward Norton was a bit of a badass in American History X, but at the end of the day, he was still a white boy rape victim until renouncing his dedication to the Führer.

In Valkyrie, Cruise shakes up Deutschland as Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, a high-ranking official who heads up an inside operation to take out his boss, AKA Hitler. Helping Cruise out is a wide cast of prestigious actors/sagacious old dudes, including Kenneth Branagh, Bill Nighy, Eddie Izzard, Terence Stamp, and Tom Wilkinson (OK, Eddie Izzard is more of a transvestite/comedian, but the other four still count).

Granted, even with the ever-constant presence of Cruise’s powerhouse performance, the film still might have been in danger of becoming not just a sausage fest, but a sausage fest of Nazi bureaucrats swigging whiskey in pampered suites. For this reason, the film introduces Carice van Houten, who’s actually Dutch, not German, but who the hell cares? She’s ridiculously hot, and is therefore the wife of Tom Cruise (although her figure is mysteriously stellar for having pumped out so many little von Stauffernbergs).

This was director Bryan Singer’s first film following Superman Returns. As far as heroism goes, Cruise just makes the blue spandex seem flat-out silly, even without the red underwear. As the Memorial to the German Resistance reads, they “bestowed an eternally vigilant symbol” by sacrificing their lives for “freedom, justice, and honor.” This in addition to rockin’ an eyepatch.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be…the best Nazi.

*No pun intended.

The Best Producer



 As Les Grossman, Tom Cruise kicked it off the heezy and bounced.



 When most of us men are of a younger age, we have certainly dreamed at one point or another of being a guy who is 1) short, 2) bald, and 3) fat. This trio of features is only unique and all-powerful in its entirety. It is therefore no surprise that when out of our teens, we realize such a dream will never come true for most of us. 



Whether this failure is the product of having exceeded the median height for men before the age of 18, or perhaps simply having a full head of hair no matter how many times we got the bright idea of shaving our scalps, we only fail. While the fat part (see no. 3) admittedly remains the easiest feat to accomplish, achieving one out of three is still a miserable failure.

One might think we would have been devastated by the loss of this dream, destined to live on, knowing we will never be short, bald, fat men. But fear not, good people, for we have found ample reason to rejoice! 

“And why is this?” you ask. Because if we had attained our dream, we would still not be successful. Truth be told, we would have felt pathetic when compared to the one and only Tom Cruise. 

As Les Grossman, not only is Cruise bald on top, but he is hairier than an extra from a Planet of the Apes movie everywhere else. Also consistent with his vertically challenged form, he is the pinnacle of assholes everywhere (he is, after all, a top Hollywood producer).

But boy, can he move! If John Travolta suddenly shaved his head, these two could have a good old-fashioned dance off. And it would be close…until Cruise won. From the Rocky Balboa beak and the P-Diddy Sean Puffy Combs rims he wears over it, Tom Cruise is one short, bald, fat mamma jamma.



A God among men.

In Tropic Thunder, Grossman is one viciously nasty change of pace for the best actor in the world. Yet Cruise gets his way with everything from skinny warlords to those ever tricky sodas in a can. At least in the real world, Cruise had enough good sense to only portray a producer in this film, rather than actually producing it. But his role was pivotal enough to set any would-be Mall Santa straight with one single message: Ditch the attitude and lose some weight. In fact, we would even wager that Mr. Clean himself is right now shopping for a toupee.

Everything combines to prove that Tom Cruise is the best bald, fat, short guy ever. But for clarification purposes, we’ll just refer to him as…the best producer. Ever.

– Father Mapother

The Best Rock Star



If you pour some sugar, you will be pouring Tom Cruise.

Bret Michaels, Axl Rose, Vince Neil – what do all of these singers have in common? Even put together, they are all pussies compared to Tom Cruise’s Stacee Jaxx.

Take, for example, the bone-o-meter. None of those other clowns even come close to reaching as high of a number as Jaxx (regarding this issue of comparing the number of women a rock star has slept with, there is a reason both Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley were not mentioned in the opening line; if Tom Cruise wore facial makeup, he would still be the best member of KISS, but that is another hypothetical story).

In Rock of Ages, Cruise is the prototypical hair metal god, living the very same dream which vicariously makes other men keep on ticking. Above all, Jaxx is an asshole – the best asshole, in fact, which is the only way for an 80’s singer to exist as a soul both honest and true.

He lives to f***. He lives to forget. Ironically enough, in the process of maintaining this one-two punch of a lifestyle, he only makes himself more and more unforgettable. Yet “hypocrisy” cannot be screamed. Only envy.

Of course, Jaxx is also the most famous rocker on the planet, not to mention the richest. In comparison, there is, without a doubt, no one even remotely resembling an equal. He spells his first name Stacee with two e’s, and his last name Jaxx with two x’s.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be…the best rock star.

The Best Adulterer



The white man stands alone.
Photo courtesy of tomcruise.com



There comes a point in every successful doctor’s life when his family is home for the evening; his daughter is tucked into bed for the night and his classy wife decides to get stoned and tell a story about another man, making him so jealous that he must  embark on a psychosexual odyssey through the seedy underbelly of humanity.

By exploring the dark crevices of a society dwelling amongst the earth, Dr. William Harford, also known as Bill, is in actuality undertaking a deep search through the inner chambers of his own perseity. One gets the strong sense that Bill is a profound intellectual resisting the daftly insipid plotlines of late night skinemax.

At the end of Bill’s journey, he never does quite cheat, despite coming dangerously close. Surely it’s fitting that only a metaphysical drifter of Tom Cruise’s caliber would ever possess such willpower, not to mention the unparalleled grace with which he displays his temperance. Then again, does Providence play a pivotal role as well?

Normally such a series of occurrences would equal a paradox of wildly oxymoronic proportions. Yet within the canon of Tom Cruise’s unforgettably groundbreaking portrayals, Bill ascends the level of being just another doctor with a stoned wife. Bill proves that a man can in fact be an adulterer without actually having committed adultery.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be…the best adulterer.

The Best Father

The budget of $132 million merely serves as an excuse to show one man's love for his family.
Photo courtesy of tomcruise.com

What a wildly misunderstood film we have on our hands here. After presumably turning down several prior roles for big-budgeted alien invasion popcorn flicks, Tom Cruise finally decided it was time to take on this classic science-fiction genre. Who better to direct than Steven Spielberg? Hell, why not even make the story based on a novella by H.G. Wells!

Majority of shallow moviegoers were no doubt expecting Cruise to once again play a hotshot pilot, this time in the vein of Independence Day heroes Will Smith and Randy Quaid. Instead, Cruise chose to be a guy named "Ray." As far as character goes, Cruise hit the nail on the head so perfectly that he started a forest fire.

Regardless of what religion one is, Ray certainly demonstrates the universally fundamental belief that no one can save the world without first saving his own family. As a title, War of the Worlds carries a much deeper meaning. What is one's own "world" and how does a father win the “war”?

Cruise juggles a vicious, absent ex-wife, a rebellious teenage son, and a deeply adorable daughter who he certainly has a hand (more of an arm, actually) in carrying around. Keep in mind, this was Dakota Fanning while she was still cute (FYI – lesbo action with K-Stewart in The Runaways seemed to be mostly a pathetic Oscar attempt).

The cheesier elements of the 50’s-era, aliens-are-attacking production-style are nowhere to be seen here. This is purely a raw, gritty portrait of the marriage between hardship and love. In our post 9/11 America, Cruise delivers one man’s shot at redeeming not only himself, but also the lives of his family. As soon as he provides, he is then provided for in return.

Plus, he wears a pretty badass jacket.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be…the best father.

The Best Cripple

If flipping channels, younger generations might mistake

Born on the Fourth of July for a My Name Is Earl rerun.

Photo courtesy of pixes.eu

One word: talent. Turning an Oscar-nominated performance, even with a mustache? Pure, unadulterated talent.

Based on a true story, Tom Cruise portrays Ron Kovic, a young man who sacrifices his star athleticism after being moved by a rousing JFK speech. With his nationalism intact, Kovic heads to ‘Nam, where he loses the use of his legs while on foot patrol. He is then dropped backed into society.



Taking a stab at a Hemingway-like quandary of postwar impotence, it’s pretty tragic watching as Kovic is unable to get it up for the prostitute in the Mexican brothel. The truth must be told, regardless of how horrific: no, Kovic can no longer sleep with hookers properly. War has ruined this man.

Keep in mind, Kovic actually was Born on the Fourth of July, as the title suggests. This is the day we celebrate our independence. This is the day representing America’s freedom and greatness.

While Hollywood finally did something right by nominating Tom Cruise for Best Actor in a Leading Role, it was highly unfortunate that in the same year, another guy portraying a true-to-life handicapper came along and took home the little golden statue.

Of course, the fact the Oscar went to the Irish cobbler Daniel Day-Lewis makes a lot of sense, being that America loves foreigners more than its own (which is kind of the point of Born on the Fourth of July). Christy Brown and his damn cerebral palsy left foot weren’t even born on St. Patrick’s Day, for crying out loud!

Then again, getting screwed over is kind of in the spirit of Ron Kovic, isn’t it? Despite everything, it’s proven that even from a wheelchair, a man can still wave the American flag.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be…the best cripple.

The Best Vampire



Lestat could kick the bloody piss out of Edward, although that's not saying much.
Photo courtesy of blog.filmjabber.com



There are vampires, and then there's Tom Cruise. In this dire age of girly teeny-boppers babbling about hogwash such as the Volturi coven and the Quileute wolf pack (werewolves with mysteriously shaven chests), the younger generation fails to recall that vampires were not always portrayed as shuckin' and jivin' drama mamas who got lost on their way home from the Mickey Mouse Club.

Truthfully, the purpose of this tribute on the best vampire of all time is not to simply knock around a rival flash-in-the-pan soap opera, but rather to rightfully glorify Lestat from Interview with the Vampire for his fiercely seductive screen presence.

Although there first must be one more comment made: When did the podunk logging capital of Forks, Washington become more appealingly gothic than the gas-lit streets of the Cajun French New Orleans?

Lestat de Lioncourt is the anti-hero of all anti-heroes, displaying emotion as elusive as the night itself. Really, managing to pull off a remarkably smartass persona despite the gallons of blood he faces on a daily basis? Only Lestat can do this realistically, unlike the thousands of campy P's of S before and after (forget being finished with the dishing of Twilight, we're still on to you and your cash cow, con artist ways, Stephenie Meyer!). Aren't Lestat's flowing golden locks sexier than a bad James Dean impression? We're not sure if you've heard, Stephenie Meyer, but this vampire does have a cause!

When Lestat pops out the reporter's cassette and the radio kicks in with Guns N' Roses' cover of "Sympathy for the Devil," the car drives off into the narrow slashes of dawn.

We would consider damnation too, just to be so cool.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be...the best vampire. 

The Best Pilot



The eyes of Tom Cruise can move mountains.
Photo courtesy of imdb.com



Aside from improving international relations by flying inverted, Tom Cruise is the best pilot for his singing ability, taking a song that was quite happy in its near extinction and launching it into every drunk man’s vocabulary.

He sang so well, in fact, that he was able to make sweet love to Kelly McGillis before she became a lesbian, likely because no other man would ever please her the same way Tom Cruise did (incidentally, this gives a whole new meaning to Cruise singing, "there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips"). 

Yet being a maverick (a maverick named “Maverick,” believe it or not) doesn’t stop there. 

No, this man has to take a line and deliver it so very well, that it will be molded and reused for decades to come. Who would have ever thought, “talk to me Goose” could have evolved into “I’ll never let go…”

The closure one gets from watching Maverick launch his closest friend’s dog tags into the deep could only be matched by the tossing of an inestimably valued diamond (admittedly, the old lady from Titanic still sucks in comparison).

Our Maverick sees a shot and he takes it. In the cockpit, our Maverick flies by the seat of his partner’s flight suit, referring to himself as dangerous, and more than once, a “Ghost Rider.”

“Ghost Rider” may be in reference to his ever-absent father who just so happened to fly with Viper, the top instructor of Top Gun.  Flying is something with which our Maverick was inherently born. One could never do better than to adhere to his wisdom in the air, as well as in life: “you don’t have time to think…if you think, you’re dead.” 

Tom Cruise flew into our hearts, and flew into the catacombs of celluloid. This is why he will always indisputably be…the best pilot. Ever.

– Father Mapother

The Best Spy

Mission: Impossible was given its U.S. release in 1996 about three weeks after Twister, another massive hit. Being that Tom Cruise understandably had limited desire to be the best meteorologist (or the best guy-who-watches-a-floating-cow-moo, depending on how you look at it), Cruise instead chose the role of Ethan Hunt, which would spearhead the ultimate and most rockin’ spy franchise of multiple generations.

If Cruise’s character Ethan Hunt were to make a cameo in one of those pussy Bourne movies, the title of that particular installment would obviously have to be The Bourne Ass-Whoopin’ since Hunt would mop the floor with Matt Damon’s pansy little Jason character.



The tension of this scene alone makes Jaws seem like Waterworld.
Photo courtesy of cinephilemagazine.com



Back to Mission: Impossible, the original film – surely you saw this movie in the theater, likely more than once. If by chance you were cooped up in the house with the kids and eventually made it out for a date night once the sitter was finally available on a Friday or Saturday evening, you might have accidentally gone to see Twister by mistake (the word “mistake” is used, because if it was a “decision” to instead see Twister, you must now be either a) dead or b) locked up in a mad house, and therefore not reading this). Twister starred Bill Paxton, whom you should know is only the best Mormon (as seen on the TV show Big Love) as a result of the fact Tom Cruise would never lower himself to the level of HBO television for a piddly 1.7 million viewers on a Sunday night.

Now in regards to the actual movie, Mission: Impossible (1996), here are five reasons Tom Cruise was the best spy:

1.)    He is the only spy to survive the impossible opening mission.

2.)    He doesn’t wear a toupée (ahem, Sean Connery).

3.)    He says, “You haven’t seen me very upset” before the aquarium shatters and the techno kicks in.

4.)    Phelps’ wife lusted after him and she was way hot, not like the she-male-faced Franka Potente without the neo-punk Run Lola Run hair (woof woof!).

5.)    The helicopter explosion (“Red light, green light,” bitch!).

This is why Tom Cruise will always be…the best spy.

The Best Pool Player

As hotshot pool shark Vincent Lauria, Tom Cruise is taken under the wing of former hustler “Fast” Eddie Felson, played once again by Paul Newman in this stand-alone sequel set twenty-five years after the original The Hustler.

There can be much written about this film, The Color of Money (which is a pretty catchy pun for a title), but at the end of the day, the only majorly important detail is the fact that Vince ultimately hustles “Fast” Eddie Felson.



If Paul Newman is "Fast" Eddie Felson, then Tom Cruise is "Badass" Vincent Lauria
Photo courtesy of tomcruise.com

Let me repeat that for you one more time: Tom Cruise, a then up-and-coming film star, beats Paul Newman, a screen tycoon reprising his legendary role. Paul Newman was The Hustler! Tom Cruise beats “Fast” Eddie Felson! You see, Vince not only just beats Eddie, he outsmarts him, losing deliberately in order to make lots of money. Are we truly grasping this? Tom Cruise hustles the hustler!

Yet once again, the Oscar goes to the other guy.

Although none of the Academy’s mistakes matter much now, considering how marvelous an addition we are left with in the canon of cinema history: audiences still get to watch Tom Cruise school “Fast” Eddie Felson all over the green.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be…the best pool player.

The Best Lawyer



Simply put, The Firm revolutionized the film genre of “thrillers” as we know them, smoothly transitioning from the “blow shit up” model to the more refined “what the hell is going on here?” premise. The lines quickly blur, causing McDeere to face relentlessly difficult decisions regarding what is legal and what is moral.



As shown, hitting the gym instead of the cigar club can come in handy when you're an attorney.
Photo courtesy of movies.uk.msn.com



Despite graduating fifth in his class from Harvard Law, Tom Cruise’s Mitch McDeere is still the best young lawyer out there (graduating fifth places him in the prestigious top five, while graduating first would have made him much too bookish and significantly less human as far as relatable characters go).

When McDeere is soon cornered by both the FBI and his corrupt law firm, we only see the seemingly inevitable lose-lose situations which could certainly result in death. However, through a realistic and non-watered-down depiction of the legal world, we are shown that McDeere is much smarter than the audience’s comprehension rate (you practically have to pass the bar exam just to understand the ending). Of course, this is actually one of the storyline’s greatest strengths. We clearly know that McDeere was able to beat the system which had him backed up against the wall, going on to become the first attorney who escapes the firm alive.

As the first John Grisham adaptation to hit the big screen, multiple studios quickly followed suit and sought to imitate Tom Cruise’s fantastic turn in this wildly successful legal thriller. While silly Broadway musicals are currently being adapted from such topics as The Wedding Singer to Spider-Man, it’s a wonder composers haven’t thought to turn The Firm into a groundbreaking new opera – then again, without Tom Cruise in the role of Mitch McDeere, what would be the point? The climax of Cruise’s eventual triumph hits us every time like the punch of Carmina Burana’s rousing coda.    

This is why Tom Cruise will always be…the best lawyer.

The Best NASCAR Driver

Tom Cruise gazes into the abyss...
Photo courtesy of mattfind.com

“I’m more of afraid of bein’ nothin’ than I am of being hurt,” Cole Trickle tells his love interest Dr. Claire Lewicki.

In his second collaboration with director Tony Scott, Tom Cruise follows up his Oscar nod with another groundbreaking action flick, one that never happens to shy away from character development either. Simply put, Days of Thunder is to NASCAR what Ben-Hur was to creaky-old, boring-ass chariots – that is to say, this endlessly thrilling film rocks the house.   

As shown throughout the movie, there’s both a good and bad way to display belief in oneself. When Trickle first rides up on his motorcycle, completely out of nowhere mind you, he takes to the track for the very first time as a total natural. Simply put, we as the audience immediately root for him. Trickle exhibits himself as being more of a cool and confident character than he does a cocky one. At the same time, however, when replacement driver Russ Wheeler comes along, played by Cary Elwes, we are turned off by his deliberately cocky nature, sensing a no-good dirty villain, which of course turns out to be the case.

In addition to being both cool and confident, Trickle’s got a temper to boot – setting up some top-notch action scenes that take place off the track as well, including a wheelchair race through the hospital (clearly Trickle has the advantage in this scene, being that Cruise’s previous film was Born on the Fourth of July).

Through the development of Trickle’s relationship with his joking but equally haunted mentor Harry (Robert Duvall), we eventually learn Trickle carries his own fair share of fears, which he aims to conquer in the grandest of fashions.

“Harry, this guy’s goin’ down!” Trickle yells into his headset, speaking of the no-good dirty villain Wheeler.

In the final lap, Trickle then outsmarts Wheeler by maneuvering Mellow Yellow down low, passing the Hardee’s vehicle on the inside to secure 1st place. After witnessing Trickle win Daytona in a squeaker like this, we rejoice in his victory as though it were our own.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be…the best NASCAR driver.

The Best Brother



Photo courtesy of tomcruise.com

In Rain Man, Tom Cruise lays the groundwork for how to achieve every great actor's primary goal: emotional depth.

After originally seeking out his autistic brother as a mere ploy to get his hands on a huge inheritance, Cruise's Charlie Babbitt then proceeds to put his newfound brother Raymond's hidden talents to the test, famously using him to win big-time bucks in Las Vegas casinos. Of course, Charlie's greed fails to hold up as the inevitable bond between he and Raymond begins to form.

Viewed from one perspective, it's a shame that this winner of Best Picture let Dustin Hoffman steal all the glory from the Academy. Admittedly, it is indeed tough to play an autistic man. However, it surely must be even tougher to play a normal man reacting to another normal man who is playing an autistic man. Therefore without Tom Cruise, the movie would have no doubt faded into the territory of forgettable.

Ultimately, Charlie undergoes a gradual transformation. Despite how frustrated he often understandably becomes with his brother's naturally autistic tendencies, he forgets about the millions at hand and realizes he truly cares about his only flesh and blood. When the two part in the final scene, we see that Cruise's character is left a changed man.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be...the best brother.



The Best Sports Agent



Photo courtesy of tomcruise.com

As a money-driven, numbers-crunching sports agent with an initially plastic smile, Tom Cruise's Jerry Maguire was definitely the best. The problem he encounters early on in his career is that he's actually too good, meaning he happens to be the only agent in the business who develops a conscience.

After being fired from his cushy job with a substantial income, Jerry at least keeps his moral dignity by knowing he sacrificed lucrative percentages for the sake of personal relationships. Once he falls in love with Dorothy (played by Renee Zelweger), Jerry is even determined to raise her young son as his own. Then again, in the grand scheme of cinema history, "the human head weighs eight pounds" was arguably an even better line than "show me the money."

Still, the fact remains that Jerry Maguire lives in an imperfect world where, despite the best of intentions, nobody is easy to please - although it certainly helps when he hugs his only client in front of the entire sports world. There is no more admirable form of advertisement for a business than a genuine public display of affection toward a client.

After racing back home, purposefully oblivious to having saved his agency and the future of ethics in sports, Jerry must show his new family that he does indeed love them. Upon his arrival, when Dorothy tells him to "Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at hello," these words could not possibly make any more sense. The mere presence of Tom Cruise alone beckons the deepest forgiveness.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be...the best sports agent.

The Best Bartender

You truly don't get any cooler than this.
Photo courtesy of tomcruise.com

Every time Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry, Be Happy" comes on the radio, moviegoers of the 1980's can't help but immediately picture the one and only Tom Cruise, flipping bottles behind his back in full badass glory.

For numerous reasons, this tribute site will begin with Cruise being noted as the best bartender of all time. Still in his mid-twenties and charming as ever, Cruise plays Brian Flanagan, a young man who turns the mixing of drinks into a metaphysical morality play via concise philosophical diatribes. In addition to dazzling our theater-going eyes and lighting up the screen like a Flaming Dr. Pepper, we empathize with Flanagan's coming-of-age battle and root for him as he resists the famous "f*** me eyes" and steals the heart of his beautiful soulmate.

Of course, Flanagan delivers what is hands-down the greatest insight regarding everyone who has ever worked in the service industry, commenting on how people begin working nights in order to free up days for their "real gig," concluding that in reality, "Days get shorter and shorter, nights longer and longer, before you know it, your life is just one long night with a few comatose daylight hours." Amen, Tom. 

On directory sites such as Facebook, you can find dozens upon dozens of men out there with the birthname of Brian Flanagan. Contrary to the reaction of some, being born as "Brian Flanagan" remains vastly different from the guy in Office Space already being named "Michael Bolton" prior to the singer's rise. 

When one bears the same title as the best bartender in history, named one Sir Brian Flanagan, well, there can simply be no greater honor.

This is why Tom Cruise will always be...the best bartender.